This morning Miss G. came running into our room at 6:47 yelling, "Today's Friday!!! Valentine's Party, Oh Ya!!!!!!!!" She spent quite a while picking out her most perfect Valentine's party ensemble. When I told the kids it was time to put their outdoor stuff on for school, she ran down the stairs, saying "yahoo, party time!!!" She then got dressed so quickly it was amazing. Usually she is the one that I am urging to put on her snow pants, reminding her of the necessity for mitts, and telling that it is not time to play or bug others, just get your dang stuff on! There was no need for that because today is Valentine's Party day and that means today is going to be awesome.
Now I'm not sure where she got all this excitement from. We in this house don't make much hoopla over Valentine's day. I am of the opinion that you should be showing love and making romantic gestures all the time. I will say that it might help with the February blahs to make an effort to do something lovely for those you love. But, Valentine's day, in this house at least, is not full of roses, and stuffies, and other things that will just add to junk. Perhaps Miss. G's enthusiasm was more for the party then it was for actual Valentine's day. Who knows.
Lately I have been thinking about the need for dates, especially when you are married and busy raising a family. It is important to have times with your spouse or partner where you reconnect. Find out about the actual person and not just their familial role.
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When Matt and I were married for about three years a wise man gave us some very sage advise. He told us that we should make dates a priority, and intimated that it was important for Matt in particular to make it happen. (Matt might remember it differently, but we will go with my memory for now.)
We did not always heed his advice, but over the years I wanted more and more for Matt to make an effort and take me on a date. I was beginning to understand just how vital those times alone together could be and I was yearning for it.
Now, some might say, "why Meredith, if you want to go on a date you should just organize the whole thing. Then you would get the date you want and everything would be great". And, yes! It is important that both people in the relationship take the initiative to plan something or suggest something nice to do together. But, and there is always a but, at the time, and still now, I needed to feel that I was indeed special to Matt. If I planned everything, where we went, getting the babysitter and all of that, I would not be feeling special. I would be doing all the work, and making sure that Matt felt special, and sometimes, we need to know that we are special to the other person.
Dates are a time in your relationship when you can demonstrate that you pay attention to the other person, and plan an activity that you know your spouse will appreciate. It shows that you think the other person is special enough that you take time out of your schedule to think about and plan something that both of you can enjoy together. To me, knowing that Matt has actually thought about what might make me happy and then making it happen is really sexy.
Life today can get so busy that our thoughts can get clogged with the mundane: our chore lists, our kids homework, what's for dinner etc. Often times we might go through the whole day and not think, what can I do today that will make the love of my life feel valued and special? We should think that and do something, but it is so easy for that to get over shadowed, and for us to take our spouse or partner for granted. Planning a date and having a regular date night, will help to make those thoughts be more at the forefront.
Dates don't have to be outside the home. Sometimes it is impossible to get a babysitter, or funds are tight and going to a restaurant or mini-golfing is just not a choice. But there are lots of fun activities that you can do at home. The key is, you make the time count, and make it special, or different from all the other nights at home.
Do something more than just a movie night
I love watching movies, they are funny and entertaining, but they might not be the best for your at home date night. Why??? Because it is the actors who are talking and not you. You need to talk, communicate and know each other. If you think about the conversations you and your spouse have they usually revolve around the kids, the house, and that's about it. This is a chance for you to tell each other about you. What are your dreams, do have goals that you are working on, where do you see yourselves in 5 years, has your favourite colour changed, etc. You are not the same person you were when you were first married, neither is your spouse. Life is all about growing and evolving. Make sure that they are a part of your journey. You need to talk.
Choose an activity that won't make either of your frustrated
Board games are fun. They are entertaining and can stimulate some interesting conversation. But if both of you are always super competitive, perhaps it is not the best choice. My husband and I like to play Ticket to Ride. And while both of us like to win, that is a game that we are able to set the competitiveness aside and just have fun building our trains. Playing that game with him is not stressful and I'm not feeling anxious. So, find an activity like that. It could be a fun video game, (we like Wii Party), or anything that allows both of you to have fun, and will not shut down the conversation and make you loathe the other person.
Make an effort
This is still your date night. If it is your turn to plan, then plan. Don't leave it to the last minute. Decide what you want to do and then set it up. You could create a snack that looks as appetizing as it tastes (fruit cut into shapes). You could decorate the table so it looks nice. You could get your spouses favourite kind of herbal tea. You could both dress up a bit more fancy. It doesn't have to be a grand gesture. It truly is the thought put into it that counts.
Try to talk of things other than the kids
Kids do take up a lot of your time and energy and thoughts. We love them, we want to do the best for them and when they are young, especially, we have to care over them all the time. It can be hard to switch off from parent mode. There are some legitimate things that you need to discuss with your spouse about your kids. Just try not to do it on date night. This is the time for you and your spouse. It is time for you to connect. And sometimes, since you talk about the kids most of the time anyway, it is hard to think of any other subjects. So, before you have your date (and this can be at home or out of the house) write down some conversation topics or open ended questions. I know it might seem sort of dorky, because the conversation should just be flowing, but guess what, the conversation doesn't always flow and you might as well have some back up.
If you need ideas you can go online and find lots. A blog that I read just had a post with interesting at home date ideas. Check it out here.
Here are some more links with at home date night ideas. So choose something and start dating! Remember it doesn't need to be stressful or perfect. You just have to do it. It might feel weird at first if you haven't dated with your spouse in a while, but you'll get it. It will be well worth the time and effort.
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